I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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