walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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