my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
