I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
