Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
