I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
