I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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