Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
