I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
