I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
