My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
