then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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