My liver just broke up with me...
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
