so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
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