Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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