Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I can't turn off my feet"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
