I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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