Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
