i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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