I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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