I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
