got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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