you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
