im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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