how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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