So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Drunk is not a location!
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
