No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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