I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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