ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
she looked like the before picture.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
