so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
