In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
