I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
