So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
