I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
