You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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