I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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