I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
