wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
