The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
