just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
