they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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