just come out here and I will go home with you...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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