why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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