Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
