You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
