mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
