im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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