I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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