You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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