All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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