What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
